Thursday, December 29, 2005

Puppy Love (Llama)

It's safe to say that my time at Louisiana School was critical in my development as an individual. The sense of family that developed between myself and the other students there has proven to me that it is possible to grow to love a group of friends, and that not everything in this world is about money or achievement. The bonds of friendship that were formed between myself and my fellow almuni are still strong to this day... and among many they are even stronger. We were close, very close.

I still remember, and will always remember, my first post-adolescent love: Sara Crosby. She had extremely long, straight, dirty blond hair - like corn silk. She had a face like a cherub, and a heart of gold. She was smart, even among a throng of "gifties", and a strict non-conformist. I developed a crush on her from the moment I laid eyes on her. Through my efforts to introduce myself to her, I fell into a whole new group of friends that I would otherwise have never known. Amy, Heather, Joel, and myself formed a little alternative clique, and I eventually ended up having a few dates with Amy. But the reason I was even there was Sara... I carried a flame for her through graduation and beyond.

I don't remember when it was exactly, but at some point Sara and Joel got together, and they became quite serious with each other. I remember feeling absolutely heart broken at the time. The whole experience was purely emotional - to this day I can't separate reality from whatever visions of loss I created through my despondancy. I remember early morning walks through the mist, stopping to climb a tree or play on some children's playground equipment. I remember watching Joel and Sara climb the tree together, while I remained on the ground. I remember watching them touch hands, laugh softly to each other, speak in tones only they could hear. I remember these things and remember feeling my heart just tighten up into a ball. For a high school kid, when a couple is that close, they might as well be married. Even though Sara and I had never gone out or been together at all, I knew that any chance I had with her was gone, and it was devastating. As much I liked Joel as a friend, and as much as I wanted Sara to be happy, seeing them together like that was seeing the end of my dream - and not just any dream, the dream of love.

This morning I received an email from a friend of mine. Many of you know her, her name is Yummy. She wrote me to say that she is engaged to be married. This girl... this woman... I won't recount the long history here. But despite some difficulties she and I have had in the past, I've continued to harbor this secret desire for her. In many ways I see her as absolutely perfect for me. She is extremely smart and driven, she's beautiful, she's entrepreneurial. But most of all, through a rather unusual email and telephone relationship with her, I've always been completely honest and forthcoming with her. I talked to her about absolutely everything, and she did the same with me. We grew very, very close through those converstations. Eventually we met, and, suffice it to say not everything went smoothly. We stopped talking for a while, and things have never quite been the same.

Nonetheless, I continued to harbor in my mind this idea that, at some point, I'd find my way to her again and this time we would make it work. It almost seemed inevitable. And so, today, when I receive word that she's is to be married, I feel that same sense of loss that I felt with Sara. It's not that I've lost her... she was never mine to lose. But I've lost the dream... the hope. The belief that this woman is perfect for me and one day we will be together - just because we are meant to be.

I still think about Jah quite a bit. That was painful. But with Jah, it was real. We tried each other on for a while, and it didn't quite fit. I can look back on those chaffe points and convince myself that losing her was the right course of action. With Yummy, as with Sara, since we were never together, there are no negatives about her that I can use to comfort my loss. There's only the positive dreams of what a future with her would hold... a future that is now irrevocably defunct.

Heart broken,



Sammy Jankis said...

Sara was definitely crush worthy. I harbored my own crush for her when we first started Junior year. That lasted about two weeks before I realized that try as I might, I'm just not of an "alternative" mind.

sr said...

well- I must admit that the idea of someone or a relationship has pretty much always been more appealing than the reality. But then again, I guess I have to own up to poor judgement- or bad taste.
I hope for your sake this is not a family trait. Let's see, Aunt Jo Wray had 2 (I think) husbands, Nonnie had 5. The rest of the family has hung in there with their "one and only". So, I think the odds are in your favor- eventually.

kristybox said...

{a little smile of sympathy}

Everyone has that person. I'm one of the lucky ones - I married mine.

katze said...

I think the heartbreak over a hope or a dream is far, far more painful than the "real" kind. I wonder if we ever heal from it, or if we will always carry that small weight of the dashed dream?

Sexynerd9297 said...

we will always carry that pain from the crush of a dream. just like plato said, the idea of a chair is more perfect and desireable than the chair itself. the goal is to find that love in reality, i am a firm beliver that it exsists, just look at my brother and his wife!