Friday, January 20, 2006

I'm not dead (Llama)

Just a post to check in, let everyone know that I'm still alive. Once again my posts have been infrequent, but it is just temporary. I post in spurts, you know!

I haven't been posting because I have been very inwardly focused the last couple of weeks. Last week I had some kind of respiratory infection that had me coughing for about 10 days straight. That has pretty much sorted itself out now, but this week I've been struggling with a couple of female issues. First of all, in a fit of madness I called up Jah and asked her if she was interested in trying again. Though the initial call was impulsive, the resulting flood of emotions left me a bit dazed and confused. I still haven't sorted them all out; that sorting is one of the major reasons I haven't been posting. "Did she say yes?" surely is the question you are asking yourself. Well, no, she didn't. But it is complicated, and I believe that, should I put I bit more on the table, she would say yes. She is concerned about the future... and although I would love to have her back in the now, promising something longer is a very scary thought. So that's what I am working through.

I actually thought I had that all figured out when I got an email from Yummy. She's getting married in June. But I don't think she's quite ready to give up the long-distance flirt-a-fest she has with me... she quoted to me this poem by Cummings that was quite ripe with sexual metaphore. It was quite unexpected. And though she is effectively off the table now, her brief re-emergence has made me rethink what I thought I thunk about Jah, and thrown my whole perspective into a twist.

So, while I spin my brain around these matters I'm also working, of course. I head to Bangladesh next week, so expect another period of infrequent Llama posts. My program is finally showing some progress... I have 2 forms completed now, about another 17 to go. They should come fast now, though... I expect to complete one form every 2 or 3 days, maybe faster.

Politics... ugh. Sports... ugh (at least the Colts lost!). Movies... ugh. I saw Syriana; I recommend it, though it is a bit predictable.



pacatrue said...

Hey, llama, good to hear from you. In a funny way, I think Yummy's bizarre flirt-a-fest was a great thing. Why? The comments about Jah only wanting to spend time with you if you can commit to "something" long term scares the bejeezus out of me. There's only one thing I can think of which you can actually commit to and that is marriage. Using an engagement to strengthen a relationship that is having trouble sounds ummm not well-founded. It's identical to people who have kids because their marriage sucks. Surely, kids will fix everything! You have kids because you have a great marriage and you get married because you have a great relationship.

Is it OK for me to say,


I mean that with all the best intentions. And if Yummy's email makes you think of her as much as you think of Jah, then that's a double whammy against life-time commitment.

You've got your flaws as do I. Should I name my own to make the point? I can be arrogant about my own abilities, overlook the feelings of others, procrastinate, lack will power, not as supportive of those I love as I should be, got a nice pot belly growing, and I'm sure N can add a bunch more to it. All that is to say that no matter what flaws you have, you can and will find someone. You don't need to jump.

Should I add the flaw that I will give advice that maybe I have no business giving?

Killer Llama said...

Thanks for the comments, Paca... I appreciate it. I do want to clarify though - I think that Jah is concerned about becoming emotionally attached to someone she thinks is a dead end. When I leave for the US in less than a year, where will she be? She would have invested alot of time and emotional energy into something that was predetermined to end.

It's not that a long-term commitment could "fix" a broken relationship, but rather why even try to fix it if it's not going anywhere anyway?

That's what I meant. If I could assure her that things don't have to end in a few months, that I don't want them to end in a few months, then the picture changes.

I think your comments about Yummy, though, are spot on, and exactly the thoughts I've been having myself.

pacatrue said...

I'm just happy that I didn't piss you off. You know my dating history, so you know what lack of experience I am bringing to the table. But something still seems funny about not wanting to get emotionally attached. You guys have already spent a lot of time together. She's either already emotionally attached or not. I guess it still makes some sense. If she is attached, but thinks there is nothing long term, then she may wish to avoid you so she can let it die.

kristybox said...

I dated a guy once when we both knew it would end at the end of the year, at graduation. It was a very surreal experience, since the end just grew closer and closer and we were still very close, but neither of us wanted the kind of long distance commitment that would be required to make it last. I'm not saying that I am for or against that kind of dating, but I can tell you that my lack of commitment in the end (when the time deadline arrived, and we had to move apart) was difficult but tolerable. And I treasure the time that I did spend with that guy.

At the same time, had the same thing happened with Alan, I would not have found the split tolerable. I guess that's one way that I know that Alan is THE ONE. I would have dated him, despite the possibility of us going our separate ways due to career, school, etc. And I would have made a long-distance commitment to Alan. And, least you think I'm just imagining that, he was in National Guard and I was prepared to wait for him to come back if he got put on active duty.

If someone is THE ONE, you just know it. THE OTHERS make great memories, but THE ONE makes a great lifetime.

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