Monday, February 27, 2006

Here's More Random (paca)

Item 1: I have lead a fairly innocent sort of life in many respects. For those who want to read all about it, you can read the autobio. I drink, but not much. I don't smoke. Never had an illegal drug. I don't really gamble, though I have a little. I haven't cheated on my wife. I haven't ever been to a strip club. Sometimes, I'd like to think that this shows some sort of great moral strength, but honestly it doesn't. The truth is that there has been little temptation to resist for most of these things.

When I was in high school, a boarding school, drinking and smoking were both expellable offenses, but of course most people drank and smoked quite a lot (and some got caught and kicked out), but no one was ever offering me anything. I didn't have friends tossing me their bottle of Jack, which I then declined. They never tossed it to me. I heard stories of my friends getting drunk, but they never did when I was there. Why not? I also never resisted drug peer pressure. The first time I was offered marijuana was in a park in Memphis listening to a blues band at the age of 17 when I was in grad school. I gave a guy I had been talking to $5 (after going to get change for a 20...), and he was so shocked that I did that, he offered me some of his stash. I did get to decline there, but where was all the drug peer pressure from my youth? That was the first time?

Similarly, I asked N recently about the whole cheating thing. The truth is that no woman has hit on me in years, so it's not as if I have amazing staying power, at least in evidence. Now, it is possible that I am just hideously unattractive, so that's what N and I discussed. She got asked out when she was single in her Master's program. But no one is hitting on us now. Why not? Do I exude boring pheromones? Do I just look so obviously uninterested? I think I would prefer a switch in things. It would be nice to have fabulously amazing women asking me out every day, to which I could then decline, and say, "sorry, you are very nice, but I'm into someone else." That would stroke my ego by being approached and then stroke it some more because I could resist their charms.

It is kind of fun being naive and innocent on most things. This will shock all of you, but I have also never been with a prostitute. I did get my first opportunity a few months back. I decided to go on a walk around 10:30 or 11:00 at night in Waikiki, just to get out of the house. I walked a few blocks and was going past the Sheraton (sketchy part of town you see) and there were a number of women in very little clothing standing around. Even though people routinely wear miniskirts in Waikiki, even I could figure out what was going on there. I decided to loop around one of the side streets so I didn't have to walk through the group. Turns out there were women looking for business there too and one of them reaches out to grab my arm and says something to the effect of, "hey, where you going?" My reaction was speeding up and saying as I ran away, "going home to my WIFE!"

Oh well. Another opportunity for loss of innocence lost to my innocence. Of course, if I had reacted differently, I wouldn't have told this story. I'm naive, not an idiot.

Honestly, some things don't interest me much. For instance, I like margaritas, but I don't like being tipsy too much and I'd rather save the $5. I remember in college once, all the friends, including me, sat around someone's room drinking rum and cokes. Booooring. I much preferred the time when this Alt Rock station was switching formats to country, and so they played REM's "It's the End of the World as we Know it" for two days straight. The whole group of us danced on the beds for an hour and a half to the same song over and over. Much better.

Item 2: Things you will never hear on this blog. Some people use their blogs as sort of online diaries where they write everything they would write to themselves or discuss with their best friend. That isn't me. For better or for worse, I revealed my blog to friends, family, and even have a link to it from my academic web site, meaning by department and co-workers and bosses could read this. Therefore, I will never discuss things that I wouldn't want pretty much anyone in the world reading. This is bad in some ways. I can't discuss many things about my job because part of my job is keeping things anonymous. I won't discuss negative things about my department or my classes except in general terms. I won't discuss my relationship with N in great detail, because its OUR relationship, not the world's. Etc. I hope that many of you still find the blog enjoyable despite these limitations.

Item 3: They should rename Ph.D programs to Art.D, standing for "Doctorate in Articles." That's what I do. I read articles. I also edit them part time. And if my training goes well, I will write articles. That seems to be the job. If I get really good at my job, maybe one day I will be given the chance to review articles. Ooooohh...

Item 4: The Lottery. Every time there is a huge lottery win, one is tempted to think about what you would do as the winner. As above, I have no lottery temptation here, as there isn't one. Anyway, what would I do if I won $300 million or so? The very first thing would to remain as anonymous as possible. Is it possible? Ideally, I would draw a hugely binding contract up with a lawyer to represent me. I mean represent me to the extent that they go turn the ticket in for their anonymous client. Is there any way to do this without them taking the ticket for themselves? I don't know, but I'd want to try it. Then I would keep it as secret as I could. I'd prefer not to tell my family even, but whenever my mom volunteered to buy me a plane ticket to come see her and I was sitting on $300 million, well, that'd just be wrong. So I'd have to fess up to the immediates. After that, I don't think I would quit my job actually. Or at least not my doctoral program. I'm not here for money; I'm here because it's interesting. It wouldn't stop being interesting just because I was suddenly rich. After this, things get fuzzy. Oooh. Ooh. I could regularly hire a baby sitter and N and I could go see a movie! Wow, that rocks. A 3 hour baby sitter calls over $30. Besides this, I could set up a fund of some sort for B and any future children. I think N could finally go shopping. We'd probably move to a nicer apartment. Maybe I'd want a car. One for her and one for me. After that, I'm at a loss. If I was still aiming at being a linguist, I would have a job to take up daily life, so I'd have to do things with it that were easy on the side. Linguistic scholarships for endangered languages. Some other charity. Various investments? Or I could just forget all of this and build a mansion in the very walls of a cliff with a vast balcony overlooking the ocean from which I could hang-glide down to my 300 foot yacht. Then I could try to take over the world with my hideous death ray, while my trained pet sharks performed synchronized swimming to the strains of a bazooki orchestra. Hee-hee. Bazooki.

Oh, and I'd eat lots of expensive cheese.


1 comment:

kristybox said...

My husband and I have experienced the same lack of sexual offers since the marriage. As I am currently fat and pregnant, I understand it now, but even early on, as soon as I was serious with my husband, all offers dried up.

I suspect that married people who are actually commited and happy put out a smell that turns singles off!